Mary Louise Kilmer

Mary went to the Lord on February 7, 2017 with family members present in a beautifully peaceful parting. She had enjoyed a long life filled with love for family and friends and unselfish service to many, all done with a full measure of curiosity, wit and grit. Born May 2, 1924 in Pasadena, CA (pre-smog and congestion) she grew up there, was elected student body president in her four year junior high school and earned the Kiwanis award for her achievements. Later, in Pasadena JC's eleventh grade, she met David in a French class, little suspecting they would later marry (in a union that would last nearly 71 years, much of it filled with excitement and adventure abroad). But World War II forced them to live apart for several years before that could happen. Just after Pearl Harbor, she enrolled at Cal Berkeley, eventually earning her degree in Social Studies. While there, she joined the sorority, Alpha Phi and maintained contact with fellow members until late in life. Meanwhile David continued his studies in PJC's college division until he entered the Navy's V12 program in July 1943. All through this period, they kept in touch, finally becoming engaged after David received his commission and before "getting his destroyer" and sailing to the South Pacific. In early 1946, David's ship returned from Japan and docked in NYC destined for mothballing. With four months left before his release from duty, he transferred to the Brooklyn Navy yard and the two agreed to marry in NYC and enjoy a four month honeymoon there. On March 12, 1946 they were married in Riverside Church, their only "family" present, the ship's Captain and officers. During their honeymoon, she and David explored many points of interest, and enjoyed special treatment from the locals because of the uniform. Back in civilian life, they moved to Pasadena where David graduated from USC and in pursuit of his dream to work abroad, secured a job with Goodyear to become resident Marketing Rep in an overseas territory - after a year's training in Akron. During the training period, Mary Lou gave birth to her first son, David Scott. Over the next six years she and Scotty would join David in assignments to Ethiopia (Addis Ababa), Kenya (Nairobi) and Egypt (Cairo). In that period, she had many adventures, some funny, some dangerous - as when she and Scotty were sent home from Nairobi a few months early because of the Mau Mau uprising there - and a sudden evacuation from Cairo to Greece when a war seemed imminent between Egypt and the British and French over the ownership of the Suez Canal. At that point, David was promoted to a management position and the family returned to live in Akron for the next four years during which Mary Lou gave birth to her second son, Mark. By 1960, David switched careers to management consulting and secured a position with McKinsey & Co., who was planning soon to open offices in Europe. While waiting for this opportunity, McKinsey assigned him to their San Francisco office, which brought the family to renting a home in Belvedere. While David rode the ferry to work, Mary Lou was busy house hunting. She told the realtor she wanted "a big kitchen and didn't care a snap about a view." That night she met David at the ferry and told him she found the perfect house for them to buy. And they did - it sat atop Corinthian Island with a tiny kitchen and a view stretching counter clockwise from Mt. Tam to the Bay and City, Alcatraz, Angel Island and finally Cal's Campanile. The family lived in that home for 24 years, punctuated by a three year tour in France that began in 1986. With Scott just enrolled at UCSB, it was Mark's turn to live abroad in Mary Lou's charge. While there, Mary Lou's curiosity led her to explore many parts of France, England and other countries of Europe. Her favorite vacation spot and beach was on the Island of Corsica. It was during this tour, that Mary Lou developed a deep interest in antiques, which would lead her much later to join an antique loving group called Questers. Back in Belvedere by 1970, David had left McKinsey and was consulting on his own with an office in San Francisco and clients in Silicon Valley and Mary Lou resumed suburban living in Belvedere and guiding Mark as he matured and completed high school and enrolled at UC Irvine. He married a lovely lady, Elizabeth, but tragically died in an accident three weeks before his daughter, Paige, was born - a deeply heart breaking experience for Mary Lou which stayed with her for the rest of her life. But there were good times too. Taking advantage of their time share, Mary Lou insisted on a visit to England's Yorkshire to see all the pubs and dales described in Herriot's All Creatures Great and Small, and later she enjoyed a trip to Scotland. Finally, when David received a long term opportunity in San Diego, it was time to sell the home and move to La Jolla where they found a wonderful home to buy, located on a hillside close to the beach with a stunning view of the water. In La Jolla, she fell in love with a new breed of dog, a beautiful white Great Pyrenees and bough one named Sam. It was an idyllic experience, in which she periodically accompanied David on business trips to New York, where she saw Broadway shows and made friends with the doormen of Fifth Avenue hotels on her morning walk. When David's project ended, the family moved back to the North Bay and took residence in Sonoma and joined the St. Andrew Presbyterian church which Mary Lou found to be the perfect spiritual home for her, and where she eventually joined one of the Church's "small groups" that met weekly. Then there was a move to Oakmont, coincidentally on 9/11. With Sam sadly put down in La Jolla at age ten, Mary Lou insisted on getting another Pyr - this one a female she named Christy. And after David had a bad fall, Mary Lou found herself moving with him to what is now Brookdale Sonoma's Assisted Living Facility - an ideal place with a protective environment for folks in their late 80s. Throughout her adult life, Mary Lou was not just satisfied to be a good homemaker. From early on she lived a volunteer's life of service. In Egypt, she took a group of Coptic Christian teen girls on a flying trip to the Holy Land. She served on many boards, including Easter Seals, Family Service Agency of San Rafael and another in Marin, where she was President but resigned when she couldn't agree with the Board's vote. She also served on the Board of the American School in Paris. But her real passion was working with teens, which led to volunteer service at Redwood High School in Larkspur, and later with a transitional home for teen runaways that would be sent on to a home in SF. She saw that the prevailing attitude assumed the kid was totally at fault, when she was learning that the problem might be with a parent. The idea of using family therapy in these situations was being taught, but not practiced. And this led to her signature achievement. The launching of a three year project to test the idea. At 56, she had never worked for pay, never hired or fired anyone much less trustworthy house parents to manage coed teenagers overnight. Yet she organized a qualified Board, secured the need permits and managed to put together a comprehensive proposal requesting startup funds for an experiment project that could demonstrate the effectiveness of a family therapy-oriented approach. The SF Foundation responded with a three year grant of $250,000 plus an appropriate house in Terra Linda. She started out by requiring both the teen and the parents to sign a contract, agreeing to live by the rules. She installed an innovative double mirror making it possible for some occupants to watch a family therapy session in progress with a fellow occupant and his or her parents, allowing them to see how his or her problems were similar to, or worse than their own. And she found the right couple for the house parent role. In the budget, her salary was $1500/month, which she designated for use in the program. After three years, she was worn out. Attempts to find a suitable leader to carry on failed and the experiment had to end. There had been some failures and some notable successes, but she had achieved her goal of showing the value of family therapy in dealing with runaway kids. Throughout her life, she displayed an almost magical way of connecting with people. With some she touched in ways that left a positive change in their lives. She was a great lady, and that's only the half of it. She is survived by her husband, David; her son, David Scott (now a pastor in a church in McKinleyville); two grandsons, Joel and John (in Seattle); and one granddaughter, Paige (in Long Beach) with three great-grandchildren and a fourth due soon. Memorial Service will be held at St. Andrew's Church in Sonoma at 16290 Arnold Drive on March 4th, 2017 at 4:00 p.m. In lieu of flowers, the family urges you to make a donation to May Lou's favorite charity, the Salvation Army or to a charity of your choice .

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